I don't know if I have anything new to bring to this discussion! It seems like it has all been said in the comments! But I wanted to talk a little bit on how I view myself and keep myself feeling sexy!
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!
This is the best way I can keep myself feeling sexy. I really put extra effort in taking care of myself, outside and inside! Ways I do this is:
Shower, do my hair and make up everyday! Even if I am not going anywhere~ and the
kids will be the only ones who see me. I feel so much better about myself when I look in the mirror and see myself looking nice, then messy hair, and Alice cooper eyes!
Showering is relaxing for me, but I also keep shaved, in all the right area's, I always use yummy scented body wash, and when I get out of the shower, I use yummy scented lotion. It makes me feel pretty. I also splurge on nice perfumes, and nice body washes. If you are on a budget, Bath and Body has nice smelling lotions and washes, and they have great sales often!
Pamper yourself!
One way I do this, is I get regular pedicures. They make me feel pretty, especially if you are overweight, having pretty feet, make you feel better about yourself! The Asian places do it for $20, and you get a great massage, most of them rub your feet, and calf's, they put your feet in a hot bath! It is nice. I also am lucky and have a massage therapist come to my home, and I get a massage about once a month.
I know this is out of the question for some people, but if you can afford it, do it!
Or go to the massage therapy school in your area, they have great discounts. I take time and go out with just my friends, no husband or kids allowed. We go to the movies, or out to eat. This is another great way to focus just on me and keeps me sane!
*If money is an issue for you, improvise! Take a really nice hot bubble bath, with a no kid rule! Go to the bookstore and just relax in a corner with a book and hot chocolate. Or meet your friends for a walk! Go to Wendy's with your friend and get .99 cent baked potato and Chili! their dollar menu is great! Just do it, it is as important to spend time alone as it is to spend time with your husband!
Taking care of yourself on the inside!
Now this is not as easy for me, but I watch what I eat. I love food, but I have to have willpower. I try to exercise regularly, I am not that good at it, especially when it starts to get cold, but I eat well (for the most part) all of the time. This is something that I did not do in the past, and I can tell you, I feel so much better, I don't feel gross inside I have energy, and I feel sexier!! This is hard, it is a lifestyle change for most of us, but the benefits of eating healthy are worth it!
Dressing nice!
This one is important, not only for making yourself feel better, but for your husband to be attracted to you. I always try to wear something cute, and form fitting. No More Sweats!! I feel sexy when I look cute, and wear cute clothes and shoes! Try heels and jeans, it always makes me feel hot! and it really gives me alot more confidence than wearing a bulky sweatshirt.
Don't dress old either! Some women I meet look 10 years older than I think they are, because of the way they style their hair and the clothes they wear. I am always shocked when I talk to someone who is in their mid 30's and they look 45.
I have talked about this before, but I love to wear something sexy under my clothes, it really makes me feel sexy. It is as much for me than it is my husband. Sometimes if no one is home, I will just wear a teddy around the house with heels. Laugh if you want, but I feel sexy and usually when my husband gets home, I am ready to attack!
I really liked the comment we got from an anonymous comment, it read:
I "blossomed" at an early age - bra at the end of 3rd grade, bigger than my mom in 6th grade, 38-22-32 throughout High School. I got teased by boys a LOT back then. I thought "sexy" was a bad thing because they never talked to me about my mind or my attitude or my taste in music (and girls were nasty to me). So I began to hide in baggy clothes and stop wearing make-up. It was then that I had TONS of guy friends, but no "boyfriends." I liked that. I'd rather be liked for my mind than lusted after for my body.
The last week of my Senior Year, my gay French teacher saw my Senior Picture in the yearbook, and told me he couldn't believe how HAWT I looked (hair done, make-up, red v-cut dress, etc)! He told me I had the power to turn any gay man straight for a night! (I took it as a compliment - he wasn't a creepy sex offender, he was a great guy.) I mentioned this to my mom and my best friend (a guy) and they both gave me some of the best advice - It's a combination of both that'll probably attract men in the first place, but it's the mind that makes the body move and appear sexy. That's what keeps them around.
Fast forward 15 years, and my husband says there's not one thing he can pinpoint as "sexy" about me - it's the combination of how I present my mind and my body. When I wear something sexy, it might get a "rise" out of him (pun intended) but when I assert myself on the phone to a rude customer service agent he wants to pick me up and carry me to the bedroom.
In a nutshell, I have learned that working on both my body and my mind make me feel sexy.
November 24, 2008 4:31 PM
*I think it is so important not to only be physically sexy, but to be smart,and witty! Your mind makes you sexy too.
I am really lucky to have a husband who is really attracted to me, and shows it. That makes me feel really sexy too, he always is saying how hot I am, or he loves my body. It gives me a lot of confidence. My husband likes to grope me often and I thought it drove me nuts, he would always have to grab my behind, or try to grab my breast, so I finally said "knock it off!" and I realized when he stopped doing it, I missed it. It made me feel hot and wanted, I like the fact he still can't keep his hands off me! Needless to say, I gave him permission to grope me all he wants!
I have been really blessed with self confidence, I think I am hot! I don't know where it came from, I am just a normal girl, and I am sure average, but I don't care, I think I am pretty. My dad was really cocky growing up, and I remember he would say how handsome he was, or how strong he was, and flex his muscles. Maybe his body image wore off on me, I knew it was OK to think you are hot! I have 2 sisters, and they both have more confidence than me, so we got it somewhere! If you don't think you are sexy, than no one else will!
So believe it and be it.
51 comments:
Since this weeks discussion is about feeling sexy, I think this is as good a time as ever to bring up this topic. I'm wondering what you girls think about getting a boob job. I've been considering it for a while now, and I know my husband wouldn't object. After breastfeeding three kids, my boobies just are not what they once were - they sag a little now and have definitely lost their symmetry, whereas before they were firm and upright, as I'm sure is the case with many of you mothers. I, for one, feel much less sexy now when I look at myself in the mirror. I know my husband loves me and my body, so if I do decide to get my boobs done, it would be more for me than for anybody else. I'm in my early 30's now and the kid factory has closed up shop for good, so what do you girls think?
Is there anybody out there that has had hers done that can share your experience with us?
Raccoon: I say if it is broken, fix it. It isn't about having movie star boobs, but getting back what you had, ya know. For me, a boob job is the only form of plastic surgery I would consider doing because you can't diet and exercise your way to perkier boobs. I am all about accepting my body after the sacrifice of having kids, stretch marks and all, but I would love to fix these 'socks with rocks'!
I agree, if it is something you are doing for yourself, to help with your confidence, do it.
I haven't had one, both of my sisters have and 2 of my friends, they are all happy and beautiful from it!
Also you will probably get some judgement especially in the LDS community. I swear if I go out with ladies in my ward, they will always start to gossip about someone who got a boob job, but really WHO CARES!!
AND it is no one else's business!!
I have large breasts, but with age mine are starting to droop a little so I have thought about a boob lift, if I do it, it will be for me, and me alone... good luck
I find nothing wrong with wanting to get your body back to a pre-baby look once you have put in the effort of working out and eating healthy. I already think I will get a breast lift after I'm done having kids. Implants scare me because member in my family have had bad experiance with them (it's harder to catch breast cancer with implants). I also don't think a tummy tuck is that terrible. I mean you can exercise and get thin but you might always have this flab of skin. I know i would obsesses over it and would therefore not be happy. However, I am also a person who thinks nose jobs are really good for some people.
So, do what you need to do but research it and find someone good. Also, there will always be the people who talk crap so just realize their opinion doesn't matter.
I feel it can be a slippery slope. You get your boobs fixed, then start to notice your tummy isn't quite as nice, so you get that done, then your thighs start to look flabbier because you can see them better now that your stomach is tucked up. As you age, the lines start to show more on your face- why not get those fixed? It all just seems so superficial to me- do I really want to be 85 years old and have perky boobs and all that while my husband has aged gracefully? Our bodies are temporary and I think the adversary really wants us to feel insecure and despise what our bodies are naturally made to do. Make babies, age, get older. If my self esteem is tied up with how my boobs look, there is no way a boob job is going to fix my deep seeded insecurities. That is my two cents- and I am sure I will be on the other side of the fence with the whole body modification issue.
I think we're here for a little more than to just make babies and get old. And believe me, I know that if I do it, there will be lots of gossip, but I'm sure gossip abounds in my ward, regardless of what I do with my boobs. Word has gotten back to me that many sisters in my ward basically think I'm a slutty dresser because I wore a bikini to an all-women relief society pool party. I'm done with worrying about gossip, though.
In keeping with the discussion topic, I am certain that a boob job would make me feel sexier. Also, I'm sure that my husband would be pleased if I got a boob job, so although some of my intentions may be selfish, the man I love benefits also.
Raccoon, I could go major off topic here with gossip in wards, Mine gossip about me, about what my infant daughter wears, COME ON!!
I have had a hard time with my ward, it is a good thing I have a testimony and I totally see how people leave the church, it is not the church it is the people who think they are better than everyone else, and worry about what others are wearing. SORRY!
anyways, I have known many who have had plastic surgery and are so happy. My sister dieted forever after her babies, but she had a gut, and stretch marks, she was so uncomfortable in her own body, she had it fixed, she looks great and I am happy for her. my Hubby is actually getting lipo done on her stomach! HE has been dieting, and can't loose the spare tire, I am so excited for a sexy man again, I don't care what any one else says, it is our lives and our bodies!!
But I respect that some don't believe in it, and that is their opinion too!
sorry this is SO long
OK, I meant to say lipo on HIS stomach!
Thanks for all these great tips on feeling sexy, I really need help in this area.
I spend so much time taking care of everyone else, I don't take care of myself.
Thanks for the comment on dressing nice too, I just put on baggy pants and a football sweatshirt. then we go out and I see all these women that look so nice. I am sure my husband would like me to take better care of myself, and I need to do it for me!!
Ok lets all be honest here... wearing a bikini to ANY church activity is a little weird. But that said, I would never judge you for it or gossip about you. Because frankly, you are your own person and obviously have the right to make your own choices, and that's the way it should be.
I just think it's so ridiculous how it seems these days that most LDS women sit around and judge one another, and gossip like it ain't no thing. Seriously, it's ridiculous and so juvenile, and I think Heavenly Father must be so ashamed of us when we act that way.
I've never seen so many flaws in the actions of LDS members until I lived in Utah.
Like the whole ICON scamming thing. It's like "Hey, i'm a returned LDS missionary, i'm a good guy and you can totally trust me. Let me scam you out of thousands of dollars, without even thinking twice about it." I know a lot of people who work for different security system companies here in Utah, and it seems as though most of them are returned missionaries, and love to boast about their dirty tactics.
And the gossip in wards is beyond anything i've ever seen in other states that I have lived in.
And people trying so hard to keep up with the Jonses?? Sure people everywhere in the world do this, but i've never seen it as bad as it is here in Utah, among LDS members. Once again, Heavenly Father must be so saddened that all we ever want to do is one-up our neighbors, rather than love them and accept eachother for the differences that we have.
And what's with all the fake hair, fake noses, boobs, tans... etc?? We are teaching our children that it's NOT ok to be different and have an imperfect or unique body/hair/skin/nose/boob size. I just think it's so sad and it sickens me that we've let all these things get so bad.
Oh I couldn't agree more with Taylor Your last paragraph says exactly what I couldn't find the words to say.
I also meant to say something along the lines of..
I've never seen so many superficial people in my life. And I think that if Heavenly Father intended for us to all look the same, have blonde hair and dark tanned skin (hello, aren't you even worried about skin cancer??) a tiny little waist and big perky boobs, then he would have made us that way. We are all unique and different, and were given these bodies for a reason. I don't think we are treating our bodies like temples when we do everything we can possibly do to 'alter' them.
hey Taylor, just a little fyi. I don't live in Utah. I doubt that all mormons in Utah are the way you make them out to be. I personally don't know any other lds women who have boob jobs. This is for me, not me trying to keep up. I would guess that plastic surgery is much more prevalent outside of the church than inside it.
Also, just exactly where do you draw the line in "altering" your body? Does that mean that you shouldn't work out and just let everything go to pot?
Of course working out and eating well and just being healthy all around are not considered 'altering' your body. I assume she meant going under the knife for superficial reasons. However I think we can all respect your desire to get a boob job, Raccoon, and nobody is judging you, just sharing our own opinions.
Raccoon, sorry if I offended you, that was not my intention at all. I guess I really got off on a little rant there!!
I am not origionally from Utah but i've been here about 6 years now and I have met 5 LDS women who have gotten a boob job, just because they wanted bigger boobs. I have lived all over the US and had never met a woman who had a boob job, until moving here. I guess that is where part of my rant comes from. I just feel like people are really starting to no longer respect their bodies as a temple and a gift from God. And I just think that's really unfortunate.
Obviously I wouldn't consider 'working out' as altering ones body. Living a healthy and active lifestyle and being in good shape is respecting our bodies, not defiling them.
I think if getting a boob job will help your confidence and make you feel sexy then go for it! Feeling sexy is different for everyone and so if that will help you feel better about your body then I think it is a good idea. You are not saying that you are going to be a plastic surgery junkie, you would just like to enhance what you have and there is nothing wrong with that. Other people don't mind if they sag or loose their boobs after they have children, but for other people it bothers them ALOT.
Also, I don't see anything wrong with wearing a bikini to a pool party. Relief Society or not. Women are just caddy and they were probably jealous!
I really get mad when people talk about Utah mormons being different. I don't think it's any different than anywhere else. If there is 1 gossiper out of 100 members then of course it is more concentrated here in Utah. It's just more spread out in other areas. There are always a few judgmental people in each ward, but for the most part, in every ward I've been in most people are very nice and non-judgmental.
I wouldn't judge someone if they got a boob job. I've thought about it lots.
For ME, what goes on in my head is this: I am totally going to get a boob job when I'm done having kids. Then I think: Would Marjorie Hinkley ever have gotten one? Probably not. And she was always so happy. So I shouldn't either.
But it totally goes back and forth and the next day I am thinking about getting one again.
Would Marjorie Hinkley gotten one when she was 30? maybe!!!
I think it is a very personal choice and who cares what any one elses thinks!!
I also think we should stay on topic, this blog is for discussing sex, not our wards!!
I just wanted to wish everyone a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! We are not posting today, but I am thankful you all of you, I have learned so much from your insightful comments, and wonderful guest posts!
Love ya all, Vixen
I've only had time to read a few posts, but I have some questions that have not been addressed. I'll mention one for now - lingerie - how do you wear it and keep the covenant to wear garments day and night at the same time? It feels pointless to put it on right before sex, as it comes right back off. If I wore it throughout the day and got a chance to flash my husband, I could see that being really fun and sexy. But then I remember the COVENANT I have made and I decide against it (it's not just a 'good idea' or a vague recommendation; it is a covenant we have made). I think a couple of hours here and there might be OK; I'm not sure.
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I had hoped this blog would be a good resource on enhancing sexuality in marriage, not a recommendation to play into society's stereotypes. I think it's sad that women think they have to be dyed, plucked, shaven, and pedicured to feel beautiful.
The comments went way beyond that to include surgical enhancements. I probably have some of the saggiest post-baby breasts and the worst stretch mark scars of any of you. I've been nursing straight through for seven years so far, with no end in sight. My stretch mark scars cover my abdomen from above my navel to the pubic bone - the entire area is covered, not just a few marks here and there. Sure I'd prefer it if they weren't there, but to consider surgery as an option?! I can't even conceive why a woman who considers her body to be a temple and a gift from God would do so.
I'm not sure I can trust anything that the commenters or posters say about sexuality if I know you have these opinions about outside looks. I find that women who are confident in their natural bodies are very rare.
Elven-
I admire that you feel confident with your own body and hope that when I've had kids I won't feel I need to change anything either as I too believe our bodies are temples no matter what physical state they are in. Personally, I am not in favor of plastic surgery (with some obvious exceptions), but that is my choice to make.
For me, the issue of garments is an incredibly personal one that is between you and the Lord and has everything to do with what's going on in your head and heart (are we TRYING to get out of our garments or assessing a sincerely good reason to remove them for a few hours while still honoring our Father?) If we followed the law 100% literally no one would swim, do ballet, play professional sports, etc. I think it's all about the intent of our hearts.
Your post concerns me because many women are not 100% confident with their bodies (me included), and you seemed to be belittling them for it and the things some people do to feel more confident. I doubt this was your intent, but people share very personal information here and though people do disagree, no one should feel belittled because they don't meet someone else's expectations. We are here to find out more about who we are and how we function. That process is bumpy and we need all the kindness we can get.
A lot of different people habit this site, but everyone adds something different to the conversation and if you want to stay, we'd love to have you. Obviously people will disagree about every single topic, but I hope that instead of creating animosity, that it can create understanding and help us learn more about others even when we don't agree with them.
OK that last paragraph was not only meant for you but everyone who reads this. It's my idealistic little hope about what we can accomplish by talking honestly, kindly and listening! I wish you a good night and Happy Thanksgiving!
I agree with sweet animal as far as intent goes. If you are taking them off to get away with something- then no, I wouldn't think that is okay. But swimming and exercising and being intimate with our spouse are okay with me because my intent isn't to get away with something bad.
I don't think it it is sad at all when I have a pedicure, or pluck my eyebrows, and shave!!
I consider that general maintence and taking care of myself! If it makes me feel better or beautiful than that is wonderful.
Where do you draw the line, is it OK to brush my teeth, or this that vain.
and on the garment issue, it is personal, people take their CONVENANTS for themselves, we are not to judge how much they wear their garments or not. For you, you take it very literal and never take them off. For others that doesn't work.
I haven't read one comment here that has said they never wear them, they take them off for personal reasons, if it is for a afternoon or a evening, why do you care?
I wear sexy clothes some evenings for my husband or we sleep naked. It is to be closer to each other, our intent is not to "get away with not wearing them" Heavenly Father knows the intent of our hearts, and I am %100 fine with that.
As for your comment on "not trusting the posters"
I believe both women are so sincere, they are trying to talk about a touchy subject, and not everyone will agree with what is said. It is not church doctrine, and we all know that, it is personal opinions. We are here to talk about issues, and support each other. If you spend time reading the blog, and Sunday Success stories, this blog has helped so many women, I for one am very grateful for this site.
The topic is feeling sexy!! So of course taking care of ourselves, whether it be shaving or having our nails done, is going to make us feel sexy.
The topic isn't inner beauty, which you obviously have.
We are women, and are supposed to make ourselves look and feel beautiful! That is half the fun of being girls!
Men are visual creatures, they need to see their wives naked, or wearing a little "something".
That does not make us worldly to want to be sexy! It makes us women.
Our bodies are beautiful and they should be seen by our husbands! I don't think removing your garments now and then to wear something pretty, or nothing at all for a night is wrong at all, and I don't Heavenly Father thinks it is either!
@SweetAnimal - I'm sorry that I have belittled others. It is because of my own insecurities. I never said I was confident about my body! I have very little confidence in my body. I posted a little bit about it on the weight post, but my husband had an affair with a woman 21 years older than me, while I was pregnant with our third baby (summer 2007). I had body issues before that, but now my confidence has plummeted.
I consider myself a natural woman. If you saw me at church, you would call me a hippie. It really chafes me to dye, pluck, shave, or paint to make myself look better. I do some of these things, but I hate myself for doing them. I hate that our society teaches women that those things are necessary to be beautiful, and that I am so insecure with my God-given beauty that I feel that I have to do them. I didn't mean to belittle others' efforts to gain confidence by doing these things -- I wish we could all help each other gain confidence without doing these things and that we could obliterate society's perception of female beauty. Other cultures see stretched out lips and artificially elongated necks and bound feet as beautiful. Don't you think that's crazy?! I see dying, plucking, shaving, and painting as equally ludicrous. SO it sets up a real cognitive dissonance in my mind when I do some of those things. This post and the comments seem to be reinforcing the idea that if I want to look beautiful, I have to do these things. I have tried to get into feminine beauty in the past, but I just don't get it. I'm an engineer and a hippie -- the worst possible combination for someone who wants to fit into our culture's ideals of feminine beauty. The very first time I met my best friend at church and said I was an engineer she said "I could have guessed that". That stung, but it's so true. I just can't get into pedicures or hair dye. I went to a ward playgroup once, and the other ladies were talking about pedicures. I was thinking about the societal implications of pedicures. I'm just not like you women and I hate it. I wish someone rich would take me under their wing and show me how to do this girl thing, and pay for all of it. I am so incredibly practical and frugal (stingy), that it would nearly kill me to spend actual hard-earned money on makeup or a hair cut.
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I found the garment post, so I should probably copy this over there. . . Samantha asked "why do I care?" Because it's part of our religion. In the temple, they don't give us explicit instructions on exactly how much the garment should be worn. I want to make sure I am staying within the Lord's guidelines. There is nowhere to turn to find advice on sexiness within the Lord's guidelines. I feel completely unable to receive revelation of any kind, so that's useless for me right now. As (if) my spirituality increases, that will come back, but for now it's not there. What other people do is interesting, but how can I know if the advice they are giving is within the Lord's guidelines. I feel completely unmoored.
The best thing I took from the people who answered me is INTENT. It would not be my intent to get out of wearing garments if I did this -- it would be to please my husband. That really impacts the way I think about it (meaning I am now more favorable to the idea of going without garments occasionally for this reason).
@Anonymous 10:22 -- no, I don't obviously have inner beauty. That's a huge part of my problem. My self-worth is very low. It always has been, and my mom is the same way -- I gather that I grew up thinking that way and haven't been able to let it go.
I am sorry I have been so rude. I know this is no excuse, but my rudeness is a cry for help and wanting to be included. I don't see how I ever will be.
To clarify how I feel when I read this post -- when you guys say "take care of yourselves by doing these things" I hear "You will NEVER measure up! Bwahahahahahahaha! Stop trying now and save yourself the embarrassment!"
Elvin,
I have to admit that your first post made me feel bad. Then I read your second post and it was so honest, I understand why you said the things you said, and where your feelings are coming from.
I think Heavenly Father made us all so different, I love spoiling and taking care of myself, I guess it is how I was born, I am a girly girl! I don't get my hair done, and pedicures, because I feel like I won't ever measure up, it honestly makes me feel great about myself, and gives me a break from my kids too!
But one of my really good friends is a natural beauty! She doesn't shave her legs, she doesn't wear make-up and she is beautiful! Just because you describe yourself as a "hippie" doesn't mean you don't have your own beauty, fitting in shouldn't be about what you look like on the outside! I feel sad that you don't have self confidence, we all have inner beauty, and self worth you need to know you are beautiful.
As for your garment issue, I think the fact you worry about your intent, and when it is OK not to wear them, shows Heavenly Father how much you care and take your covenants seriously. You are right, they don't say exactly how to wear them, and that is why I think there are so many different opinions on this site and we are all comfortable with how we wear ours.
Good Luck, Vixen
Elven,
Thanks for opening up and putting yourself out there! I totally "get" you, where you are. There definitely is a fine line between buying into socially-imposed stereotypes for what defines female beauty, and determining what can make you look the best you can be with what God gave you. It really doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing, black and white world. God created us, to be sure, but he also gave us the tools, technology and brains to improve many aspects of this non-perfect world. Braces to straighten out crooked or damaged teeth. Surgery to correct cleft palates and other birth defects. Skin grafts to help burn victims. And yes, even a little make up to hide blemishes, or accentuate your pretty eyes! I'm quite sure God doesn't want us to just give up and accept whatever life deals us without making the best of any situation!
Basic hygeine -- a daily shower, shave and shampoo, that's a good start! Nothing like bad breath, oily hair or smelly pits to put a damper on an otherwise amorous encounter with your spousal unit.
My wife prefers me clean-shaven; says I look better. I believe her, and bother to scrape all that facial hair off every day. I really don't mind -- I do it to please her. I know other women who like facial hair, and so their husbands have beards. My good friend wears his hair long, because his wife really likes it that way (it mostly annoys him, but he wants to please her).
Good communication is key here. Ask your husband sometime what he finds attractive in you. If he likes unshaved legs and pits (or doesn't care), cool. If he prefers that, then you can decide if you want to please him or not. Likewise, tell him what pleases you -- long or short hair, clean shaven or scruffy, etc. Muscles and fit body, or more rotund; high granola vegan diet, or lots of red meat and potatoes, whatever -- if it's important to you, it will hopefully be important to him as well.
I wear my garments "all the time", as we are counseled, but keep in mind there ARE appropriate times to remove them -- showering and bathing, trips to the beach or gym, and certainly in the bedroom when it's time to play! It's okay! Really!
My daughters color their hair all the time -- it changes with their moods! Nothing at all wrong with that! Some months they feel like being blond. Then red, now dark. To them it's like changing the color of your outfit. They get bored with the same haircut or style. It's all about having fun really. Nothing at all wrong with that!
I know people that go gray in their teens. Keep it or color it, whatever is ok. Nobody should tell you what to do, but at the same time, some things look better than others, and certainly it's up to you to decide what that might be. But also in a marriage, your man might also have an opinion. Is it important to you, his opinion? Your call.
Hugs!
Elven, I just went back and read some of your earlier comments. My heart really goes out to you; my, but you've certainly had a lot of grief to deal with! Has your husband had professional help and counseling with his porn addiction? Have you both been able to reconcile yourselves to the affiar? Or are these ongong, open wounds still in your relationship?
It certainly puts some of your self-esteem and body issues into perspective. Porn can be so devastating to a relationship. And I cannot even imagine trying to move forward after an affair; such a tremendous toll on trust, especially for someone already struggling with insecurity.
I'm so sorry! I hope you can find some peace in all this...
Elven,
It seems like most people who leave comments on this site are the type that get pedicures and such but there are others who are reading who don't feel this way. I wouldn't call myself a girly girl but this site has helped me in more ways than I can count. Maybe this week's topic just isn't for you. Just read for a while and see if there is anything that might be helpful to you.
Anonguy!
I am so glad you are on this site, your opinion and insight into the male mind is just what we need!
wow! what is wrong with pedicures?
have the ones that are bashing them, ever had one. do you paint your own toenails?
all it is, is a way to relax. they rub your feet, and paint your toes?
I didn't realize I was a "type" of girl, for enjoying an inexpensive luxury?
clearing up what I just said, "do you paint your own toenails?"
what I meant by that, was if you paint your toenails, it is the same as going and getting a pedicure!! just more fun.
Dawn, I'm not "bashing" pedicures.
Holy cow!
I have had them before a couple of times. I am just trying to help someone who feels like an outsider know that she isn't a weird person if she doesn't do them.
Calm down!
I just happened upon this site and I am fasinated. I do not belong to your church, but we used to have a mormon family that lived down the street from us. The gal was very pretty, and well taken care of, I didn't know that was taboo in your culture. or atleast that is what I understand from this small percentage of people.
I don't understand your garment wear, but I think she followed that rule, we live in Arizona and we always noticed her very modestly dressed even in the heat of our summers.
Thanks for the insight.
Greg-
Taking care of yourself is not at all taboo in our culture, but like any culture, we're made up of lots of different people with different opinions. Some people are on either extreme of the scale, but most fall somewhere in-between. The things we are specifically counseled on in regards to taking care of ourselves is to not get tattoos and to stay away from alcohol, coffee, tea (except herbal), and drugs. Other than that, it's up to the individual how they honor their body.
General comment-
I think it's hard because we often get caught in a trap of not wanting to feel selfish and shallow for focusing on appearance, but at the same time our bodies are one of the most wonderful gifts God gave us, so we want to make them beautiful and healthy so we feel good too! One of my favorite talks on the body was given by Susan Tanner in 2005. One of my favorite quotes in there is from here mother that says: "...do everything you can to make your appearance pleasing, but the minute you walk out the door, forget yourself and start concentrating on others."
I love that quote because it illustrates that we need to do what we we can for ourselves, but then we need to let it go and be involved with others to be truly happy.
The whole talk can be found here:http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=6c5b78de9441c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1
And Elven, thank you for sharing your experiences and helping us understand where you are coming from. I hope you stick around!
@AnonGuy - "It really doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing, black and white world."
You're so right. I struggle hugely with this. I am SO black and white, at least theoretically. I know exactly how I should do things, and I am very intolerant of any deviation. . . at least in my head. In actual practice, I'm very 'gray' on a lot of things. And I had no problem with any of the examples you mentioned, so why do I have a problem with the girl stuff? I don't know. I guess it's because I feel inept at it, so I don't even try because I assume I'll fail. Of course I could get better at those things by putting a lot of time and effort in to them. But there are SO many things ahead of that on my priority list!
"Good communication is key." This is a bit of a Catch-22 for me. My husband does not make any demands/requests about my appearance, nor does he share an opinion very often. It's great, because I get to be whatever I want, and I never feel like I have to do something I don't want to in order to please him. But sometimes I wish I knew exactly what he wants, so I could do it just to please him if I wanted to. Part of the problem is that I don't take criticism well. I guess if I want my husband to offer an opinion, I should be prepared to take it!
We are in marriage counseling, and sometimes I feel like things are going really well. But then the gravity of what he did hits me and I despair, wondering if it is possible to overcome. Infidelity strikes at the most sacred covenant we will ever make in all of eternity, not just this life. When I think of that, the reality is crushing. We have not really discussed pornography in counseling, although I believe the counselor is aware of it.
jolie - "Maybe this week's topic just isn't for you."
Thanks :-) That's a good reminder. I can just take a deep breath and calm down a little rather than taking these things personally.
Dawn - "have the ones that are bashing them, ever had one. do you paint your own toenails?"
I've never had a pedicure -- no way! Have you heard the horror stories about all the infections you can acquire from those places? I am very analytical, and stuff like that sticks with me for too long. I'm sure that could be avoided by choosing a reputable place, but I'm so cheap that I'd never be able to pay for a good place. More than that, I think it would be somewhat stressful for me to go. I don't do small talk. So I'd just sit there awkwardly, not talking. It would be very embarrassing to have anyone touching my feet and toenails -- ew!! I just don't think it would relax me in the slightest ;-) Even if it did feel good physically, the emotional stress over how much money I was "throwing away" would do me in ;-)
I rarely paint my own toes. I have done it probably 3-4 times in the last year. Prior to that it was maybe once a year?
I (Elven) got an email account just for this blog -- just checking to see how it shows up . . .
Elven, I can relate to the money thing, I'm more like you than not I suspect. I think it would be good for you to "indulge" yourself a little though! Start with something not so obvious, like a facial or a massage. As someone already mentioned, you can find local beauty schools that will do this for about half what you would pay in a regular salon. You might be amazed at how you feel (about yourself) afterwards. It's OK on occasion to say to yourself, "I am worth it!", because you are. For the most part we cannot change our spouse, but we can change ourselves, and often in the process our spouse will respond positively.
As I age the need (and it is a need!) to trim eyebrows and nose and ear hair increases. It's such a small thing, but I know my wife appreciates it SO MUCH! (She volunteers when I forget ;o) You might be surprised at the reaction if your spouse finds you looking a bit different, hair done differently, a lacy cute bra, some subtle lip gloss, whatever, and just tell yourself you are not conforming, you're just having fun, just "spicing things up a bit", because, you know, life can be so dull and routine and all anyway.
I get the impression (correct me if I'm wrong) you've never really had a mentor in doing some of this girly stuff; I suspect most learn from mom or big sister or close friends. I wonder if your lack of confidence would take a very positive turn if you could find such a friend to give you a few tips. As a man I'm suddenly out of my league here, so ladies, help me out, but I think even a little advice can go a long way, and it doesn't have to be expensive! But even a SMALL investment in both yourself and your spouse is so worth it, especially given the challenges you have already endured. My $.02, FWIW.
This is another guy invading your blog...I came across this blog and showed it to my wife. I have also been following it. There is so much insightful information. It has opened my eyes a lot to a variety of subjects. On the topic of body image, my wife asked me a long time ago to shave. I was really hesitant at first but decided to go ahead and try it. I must say that it is a cool sensation when you hop into bed, put on pants, etc. We decided to take it a step further and I shaved my crotch. I still do it 3-4 years after first trying it. I like the look, my wife likes the look and I feel a lot cleaner. I also greatly apreciate it when she shaves down there as well. For us it adds to the experience when everything is cleaned, well trimmed, etc. I also love it when my wife dresses sexy. I encourage her to sometimes just sleep in cute lingerie to help her feel sexy...no strings attached. She has told me manytimes that it is hard to feel sexy taking care of 2 kids all day and so this just all adds to the experience. Thanks for the blog qand all the information
There are so many days when I have spent all morning getting the kid ready, doing the dishes, etc. and I think "I'm just staying at home all day, only the kids will see me, do I really want to bother to get ready?" And so I will trade my pjs for sweats, pull my hair up in a bun and call it good. But on the days that I really take the time to do my hair and makeup and put on clothes that I feel good in, I actually feel a little bit pretty.
There are so many beauty rituals that have just gone by the wayside the past few years with four little kids. Sometimes also I feel like it doesn't matter what I do, I'm still going to look fat, so what's the point? I almost feel ridiculous for trying.
But it does make me feel a little better, and maybe that's a starting point.
I wish my husband would show some preference for how I look--straight hair, curly hair, makeup, no makeup, which clothes does he like? He never says, and I think it's because he doesn't want me to think he doesn't love me every way. But it would be nice to know what I can do when I want to look special for him. But it also makes me a little lax some days, because I think, well he doesn't care so I don't care.
As for the boob jobs...if it were just me, I would definitely get one!! My husband is concerned he won't like how they feel as much. And obviously, spending thousands of dollars on myself seems very selfish right now with our budget. So maybe someday.
BUT I will say that if NO ONE ever got boob jobs, I may not feel as much pressure to have one. Just like the sudden pressure to have perfectly straight white teeth, highlighted hair, pedicured toes and manicured eyebrows. With all of the procedures that people have these days, we are making it impossible to live up to expectations WITHOUT getting a procedure. Natural beauty just doesn't measure up anymore.
My wife is also a very busty gal (39 E), usually wears a minimizer bra so that she doesn't just feel like a pair of boobs walking around in public, and has the same problem finding a good fitting bra (and they tend to be expensive). So her wearing the non-minimizer (for my sake) is already sexy. I also love bras with sheer cups, or no cups (just a shelf to support them). VERY sexy for us guys to see a hint of nipple under your blouse! Or even a hint of clevage with a v-neck. I also love seeing her in a snug, ribbed blouse that shows off her girly figure. It really doesn't have to be complicated. I find a nice pair of jeans and a snug white T-shirt (with a smooth-cup bra) incredibly sexy on just about any woman.
I just got correct by my spouse; that's 34 E (I was going off the total bust size, what do I know about buying bras?)
Just chiming in as a girl whose had a breast reduction...
I was a 42 G, who went down to a 38 D/40 C (depending on the actual bra) It was the best cosmetic thing I've ever done for myself. It's made it easier for me to be active, I feel confident in my clothes, I can actually buy a bra in a normal store (instead of pressing my luck online). I have Frankenstein scars on my breasts...I had some bad keloid scarring. But the size and shape are more in proportion to my curvy body, and I can find clothes that fit me even better. My husband likes that he can "cup" me, instead of picking up my saggy bags that hung nipple-down to my waist. And to top it off...my insurance covered it!
For those that want to enhance your bust, and can afford it...go for it! Having proportionate breasts makes such a difference!
Casey- My husband used to be the same way with telling me what he liked more until I figured out how to ask him! I would say something like, "I like my hair twisted up this way, and curly. Oh I don't know, what do you think?" Once I was playing around with make-up with my daughter and did one eye one way and the other a different way and took the same approach- saying that I really loved this and that and couldn't decide. It seriously works like a charm on him and now I have a better feel for what he likes- which is TOTALLY different than what I thought!
I've been trying to get more opinions from him, and I've realized I have to pointedly ask him!! I found out he doesn't like my new lipstick! lol But I will have to try those ideas too!
First and foremost: WHAT is LDS???
I think it would be a good idea for you to explain that in your "about you" section.
Next, variety is the spice of life! All this "temple this and that" is far more palatable when it comes without the strings of what seem like judgment on a site that touts, "no judging." I was raised Catholic- we decorate our churches- so what's the deal? There are people who are more conservative and they enjoy being that way. I think that is wonderful FOR THEM. I personally LOVE getting dressed up as a sex-toy sometimes and I don't take those clothes off right away either! I also sometimes enjoy porn too. Did I mention that I got my boobs done after I had my kids? I LOVE them!
It's all about finding what you enjoy and celebrating it with someone who feels the same way. If you'd prefer sex through a hole in a sheet, then that's okay too! It's when people are so openly disdainful of others' tastes that life gets uncomfortable.
If you search openly for your own contentment, instead of wasting energy on criticizing others, then hopefully, you'll be blessed with what you've been searching for.
First and foremost: WHAT is LDS???
I think it would be a good idea for you to explain that in your "about you" section.
Next, variety is the spice of life! All this "temple this and that" is far more palatable when it comes without the strings of what seem like judgment on a site that touts, "no judging." I was raised Catholic- we decorate our churches- so what's the deal? There are people who are more conservative and they enjoy being that way. I think that is wonderful FOR THEM. I personally LOVE getting dressed up as a sex-toy sometimes and I don't take those clothes off right away either! I also sometimes enjoy porn too. Did I mention that I got my boobs done after I had my kids? I LOVE them!
It's all about finding what you enjoy and celebrating it with someone who feels the same way. If you'd prefer sex through a hole in a sheet, then that's okay too! It's when people are so openly disdainful of others' tastes that life gets uncomfortable.
If you search openly for your own contentment, instead of wasting energy on criticizing others, then hopefully, you'll be blessed with what you've been searching for.
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